Finding Solace

Posted on Wed May 15th, 2024 @ 3:57am by Lieutenant Commander Lyra Cassiel & Captain Ivan Petrov

Mission: S1 Episode 8: Resolutions
Location: After 11
Timeline: Date 2371-11-12 at 1730
5032 words - 10.1 OF Standard Post Measure

ON

After 11 was certainly not as lively as it usually was at this hour. The news that they were not only leaving their people behind but losing their captain in the process had hit the crew hard when they were still so fresh off of the losses sustained during the ambush in the nebula only a month prior. Suffice to say, morale had plummeted once again and there was nary a smile to be seen nor laughter to be heard through the entirety of the ship. Even the people who were usually the upbeat ones seemed to have fallen this time. Life had to continue though. With orders to leave the people on the planet behind and continue home, duties had resumed and preparations were being made.

It hadn’t been Ivan’s custom to visit the lounge or the mess halls, nor was it generally his style to mingle with the rank and file more than a few times a month. This domain, the social, typically was taken care of by his son. His decision to stay on the planet, and the fact that he would likely never see the members of his crew again, nor get them home himself, had changed that a bit.

It was heartwrenching, really, and Ivan had silently been having a difficult time adjusting to his circumstances. He was responsible for their safety, and for completing the mission of returning to the Alpha Quadrant, but he was forsaking them for a greater commitment to his family. Anyone who had suggested to him that he never put them first might think twice now, but it still stung him to his core to not be able to fulfill his responsibilities in every way.

The Captain of Vengeance stepped into After 11 in his command jacket, giving an almost casual look to his uniform. As soon as he passed through the doors, people took notice and some even stood out of respect. He gave them a wave, but little attention and looked for a friendly face. The first one he settled on was that of their bartender, and he made his way over right away.

“Nat, how are you?”

Natalie Perez was no officer of Imperial Starfleet, but she had friends in low places on this ship, and she always knew how people were feeling. Her degree of separation from the crew didn’t make any of this easier for her. She returned a half smile.

“Just about as well as you’d think, Captain.” She said, and then she gestured to the bar. “I bet you want something strong..”

Lyra sat at one of the larger six top tables with a group of four men. There were drinks in front of all of them as well as a couple plates of food that looked like it was to be shared. The men had obviously been eating given the crumbs and other bits on the smaller plates in front of them, but Lyra’s was bare. One of the men - Simmons - was speaking in earnest and Lyra was giving him her full attention. When another spoke, she turned her eyes to him and followed the pattern as she listened. Her expression didn’t communicate anything except for her engagement. Once the men stopped speaking, she leaned in toward them and began to speak herself. Her dark eyes were intense and commanding, but the way she gestured now and then with her hands seemed to soften it a bit. As she had given them her attention, they sat as if enraptured by her words. When she finished, she gave them a seemingly genuine smile, and in unison they returned the smile as if they had been infected by it. She spoke a few more words and then stood followed immediately by the men at the table. Farewells were said and the group of men moved to leave though not before one turned and grabbed a few more snacks off the plate to take with him, though he had the self awareness to flash Lyra a sheepish smile before he caught up with the others.

She watched them exit through the far door and then turned her attention back forward. She used her fingertips to push her empty plate away much like a disinterested cat, then picked up her drink to take a sip of it. She was still in uniform, but the open jacket showed she was off duty.

Ivan turned from the bar with a medium-sized glass of brown liquid and ice in hand. Nat had obviously taken his need for a drink to heart and had given him some special treatment. He hadn’t noticed Lyra sitting with the men from her department before, but now he saw her sitting by herself. He was a social man underneath his age and his rank, so he went straight over, smiling a smile he didn’t feel, but genuinely wanted her to. He had never really invested in her, and now he felt a pang of regret at that, as well as for everything else.

“There she is.” He said, stopping in front of the table. “May I join you, or are you saving these seats for someone else?”

Lyra hadn’t noticed Ivan at the bar. Once her men had left she had pulled out a PADD and had started reading what was on it and making notes. Hearing his voice above her was certainly a surprise. If she hadn’t been completely alone at the table and in the general area she would have assumed he was speaking to someone else, but sure enough when she lifted her head he was standing there smiling at her. She returned the smile immediately, and hers was much more believable than his.

“I’m not. They just left, actually.” She said and indicated across from her. “By all means, Captain.”

He immediately grabbed the back of a seat across from her and pulled it out, lowering his huge body into it and pulling it up closer to the table. The smile on his face relaxed and became more genuine. He noticed the PADD in her hand and it became amused, even.

“Are you working in the lounge?” he asked, showing his white teeth as he brought his drink to his lips. There was little in that smile that would remind her of her beloved, but he held himself the same way, and there was something about his intensity that showed her where Andrei had gotten his social habits.

Lyra’s dark, keen eyes moved over Ivan’s face and body as he seemed to actually relax across from her. Was he drunk? “Yes, I am.”

She slid the PADD back into her jacket so as to not be rude since it seemed Ivan had made himself comfortable for a longer stay, though their conversations tended to be rather truncated since he would just decide he was done and leave. “I hold meetings with the patrol squads monthly and I find it much more well received to do it here where they can drink, eat, and relax.”

Ivan listened to her simple explanation with curiosity in his eyes he had never truly shown her before. He took another sip of his beverage and swallowed before responding.

“That’s smart, especially at a time like this. People are on edge, and the idea of leaving so many people behind isn’t a pleasant one.” he said, placing a large hand on the table and tapping gently a few times. His eyes wandered to the room around them and lingered on the faces there. He met several people’s eyes as they had been studying him when his attention had been on Lyra. “I didn’t do nearly enough to get to know these people…or you.”

His brown eyes moved back to Lyra and found the dark, mysterious gaze he had come to expect.

“I was so focussed on getting you all home that I never put down my work. I never looked up from my spreadsheets and reports to see the people around me or get to know them. I’m sorry for that, Lyra.” he said, his brow falling into a frown full of genuine sadness. “I let my fear of leaving my job undone keep me from…doing my job. Not for the first time, I have to admit.”

Lyra wasn’t exactly uncomfortable, but this was all certainly odd. Nevertheless, she listened to Ivan intently and respectfully while she brought her own glass up to her lips to take a sip of her drink. When he had spilled out his feelings on the matter, she offered a slight nod. “I think that is a fear many captains possess and I know that it is generally encouraged to maintain a distance. I’m sure it’s been lonely in a way even with your family here with you.”

“I don’t know, maybe.” he said, considering the suggestion for a brief moment. “I’m more concerned with what I leave behind now that I’ve decided to have the Fleet go on without me. I wonder how people will remember me. I also consider I might never see your marriage to Andrei, if that’s what the two of you want…or my grandchildren.”

He frowned then. It was a premature suggestion and he wished he had kept it to himself so as not to embarrass or scare her. He pulled his drink to his lips again as he thought about what he had just said.

Whereas another woman might have blushed and giggled or demurred and been truly embarrassed by the suggestion, Lyra’s focus on him didn’t waver in the slightest. “People will remember you as a great leader and fearless captain.”

It was clear her words weren’t flattery in the slightest. “As for the future… that may very well be. Certainly not an outcome any of us would have wanted. Children should have their grandparents to love them and ours may only have one out of four if we get home in a reasonable amount of time.”

Ivan inhaled slowly and then let his air seep out from powerful lungs. There was no joy in his expression as he considered his imagined faceless, dark-haired grandchildren playing with him. Mika would likely prove fortunate enough to find a member of the group staying behind to marry; she was beautiful and uncommonly good. But he couldn’t help but feel certain a part of him was dying.

“I wish I could be there. But, I can’t abandon my wife and daughter to life on an alien world. They’ll need me. And a marriage promise…is for life.”

For once, Lyra didn’t bring out her claws on him as he touted the promises of marriage he had been so gleeful to violate years ago. Instead, she reached out over the table and placed a gloved hand on Ivan’s forearm. “Of course you couldn’t abandon them. This decision you’ve had to make was born of a terrible circumstance, but it is the right path.”

Ivan looked down at her gloved hand on his and his frown deepened. He blinked several times, but kept himself far from any response close to crying. He knew way better than that. Still, the moment had significant meaning for him. He looked back up at her and allowed the moment to rest between them in their silent eye contact.

“Command is full of situations where one has to upset someone. I will admit to you that it has always been painful for me. I do it, of course, and I am highly decorated for my work in the command chair...but it has never been easy for me.” he looked at another crew woman who had been staring at him and gave a polite smile which she returned. “Everyone is unhappy now. But it’ll get better. You, Andrei, Commander Faulkner…everyone. You’ll heal and move on; and you’ll get home.”

This time, when Ivan looked away, Lyra turned her body slightly to see who it was that he was acknowledging this time since it had seemed more directed than the simple acknowledgement he had been giving before. She noted the woman’s face, but turned her attention back to Ivan. There was a certain softness she allowed in her dark gaze, something he likely would have never seen before unless he’d ever looked at her when she was looking at his son. “We will, yes. It will be difficult, but we will.”

She moved her hand from his arm but didn’t withdraw totally from him, instead remaining in the same position with her hand now simply resting on the table across from his.

When they had spoken before, he had always sensed something he didn’t like from Lyra. he wasn’t sure exactly what it was, but he was acutely aware she didn’t respect him. He could only imagine the source was something to do with his family and the mistake of his which was, up until a month before, quite obvious. Kassandra was dead, yet he was still paying the price for that surprise. Now, though, she looked at him with a kindness that he found comforting, yet atypical. Despite his hesitation, he felt himself softening a bit internally.

“It seems like everyone in my family spends time with you but me.” he observed aloud. “I suppose that should change now that I’m sort of here to say goodbye.”

“Mm… well, better late than never, I suppose.” She said and actually smiled at him, small but for once genuine.

He chuckled softly at her words, friendliness and pleasantness replacing the hesitation from before. She was being friendly, but he could tell she was still hiding her feelings in the silence. He felt a subtle need to know what was happening in her head, but he wasn’t exactly sure how to find the answer.

“Hey, how do you feel about Falkner taking over as CO?” he asked, changing the subject suddenly, before bringing the glass to his lips again and licking the liquid out of his salt and pepper mustache.

The sudden change in topic and conversational tone was glaring and Lyra surmised that it was some sort of attempt to dodge some internal feeling he was having that he either didn’t want to face, or didn’t know how. She pulled back from him a little more since he had steered them back to something more professional. “It was a surprising choice, but not a bad one. She has proven she knows how to guide a crew through hardship and keep them alive which is what we will need in the times ahead.”

“So, that means you’re happy about it then?” He asked, looking at her curious. He assumed she had dodged his question on purpose, but he indicated silently that he really did mean “feel” when he said it. Part of him doubted he’d get anything personal from Lyra at all, but he had to try, or else the interaction would be a glorified business meeting or a counseling session for him.

The press for an answer of her feelings on this matter was extremely strange in her mind. Feelings didn’t matter when it came to business, so why was he choosing this of all things to ask about? She wasn’t good at communicating her feelings to begin with. She frowned slightly then, thinking about it.

“No, of course I’m not happy about it. I’d rather none of this happened and you would remain captain, but since that isn’t an option I am… happy you made the right decision in giving the position to Commander Faulkner over someone who does not have the same experience.”

He nodded, seeming encouraged by her genuine response, though it only opened a new line of curiosity.

“That makes sense to me.” He said, then raised his brow. “It’s just that some would say the next obvious candidate is Andrei.”

This time, Lyra looked away from him and around the room slowly and pensively. Eventually, her eyes drifted to the planet outside the viewport, and she spoke while looking there instead of at Ivan. “He’s not ready.”

Well, this was interesting indeed. He let her words sit there in the air for a few seconds before he responded.

“I’m genuinely surprised to hear you say that, Lyra.” He said, his tone indicating that surprise, but no judgment beyond it. “It doesn’t seem like people on Team Andrei doubt his abilities very often. At least not to me.”

Perhaps she would end up regretting saying it out loud to Ivan, but in the end it was the truth and she wouldn’t shy from it. She finally brought her eyes back to him, her gaze considerably cooler as if she were trying to judge if she had made a mistake in being honest. “He will be eventually, but not right now.”

He nodded, approval in his eyes, but the response wasn’t too eager. He recognized it must be a difficult thing to admit to him, and maybe it might feel like betrayal on some level.

“He will be. But as to what makes him so volatile now beyond youth, I’ve always wondered.” He admitted. “You clearly care for him though.”

Lyra allowed a few beats of silence to fall between them with the only communication being her intense gaze on his face. Eventually though, it softened again, perhaps almost grudgingly this time. “I love your son very much, yes.”

“I can tell.” He said, smiling and giving a few small nods. “I’m very happy about that. I’m happy he has you, because he clearly cares about you too. You’ll be there when he’s ready.”

“I will be by his side as long as he will have me there, yes.” Lyra confirmed it as a simple fact, not boasting nor proud. “He’s going to do great things.”

She paused and then sighed softly, deciding to make an offer to the father instead of the captain. “My family history is obviously a complicated one and as you said, you and I haven’t spent much time together. Do you have any questions you want to ask of me?”

It was a bit strange for her to make the offer of course; it was something usually extended from parent to parent, but she was sorely lacking in those at the moment, and Ivan was about to condemn himself to a life of never seeing his son again - perhaps she could attempt to assuage any concerns he might have.

To Lyra’s credit, she seemed to genuinely like Andrei and have faith in him. She had certainly never spoken negatively about him, even when Ivan had, perhaps unfairly, tried to pressure her to share her understanding with him. As far as he was concerned, when it came to her, there weren’t many unanswered questions which were appropriate for the setting. After all, any he asked would only be for his own peace of mind, and for his wife’s.

“How does he treat you?” Ivan started, leaning back and picking up his glass again, seeming to eye her with thoughtful eyes. “Is he gentle? Attentive? Does he make time for you?”

That certainly hadn’t been what Lyra was expecting to be asked. She had been aware that the door she had opened could have produced questions about her personal morals or beliefs, maybe her views on children or marriage, or perhaps even still questions that leaned into awkward territory like sexual or medical history; there was a reason these topics were broached usually between parents with strong drinks in hand. If he didn’t have anything he wanted to ask, she certainly wouldn’t push for him to do so.

“He treats me very well.” She said honestly and gave that gentled smile again as she spoke of Andrei. “We enjoy spending time together, and there has been occasion where he wanted to do something but decided against it because I wanted him to stay with me.” It had been once, but it was still worth mentioning.

“I know it might be surprising to hear for a lot of people, but yes, he is gentle with me.” When they weren’t biting, clawing, grabbing, wrestling… she blinked once, forcing her mind not to wander there in the presence of his father. She chuckled, “Or perhaps more surprising that I am gentle with him.”

“I think people would be surprised in general.” He said with a chuckle of his own, leaning in to the joke. “You two certain turn heads, I’ll give you that.”

He thought about her answer for a moment, but was clearly preparing to ask another question.

“Andrei has been…sowing his wild oats since he was a teenager. I had to talk to him on several occasions about warming his bed with everyone from servants to the daughters of potentially vengeful Lords. He took my advice to heart and started to warm closets with them instead.” He said, smiling and laughing gently, but clearly understanding it was a sensitive topic. It wasn’t as if he had time to be too much more subtle. “Does that level of experience bother you? Or..maybe you have a similar story..I wouldn’t know.”

Lyra had laughed along with Ivan as he made light of the situation. It sounded completely genuine and didn’t betray the immediate swell of angry heat within her at the thought. She wondered if Ivan knew the extent of how many women his son had taken to bed; she had also mused - privately - if Andrei would have actually told her the truth of the number had she asked.

When her laugh faded, her smile lessened but remained. She would not have been surprised to learn that people assumed she was horribly promiscuous. Where Andrei could have nearly any woman he wanted, Lyra could have had nearly any man. She was gorgeous in body, and with how easily she could change from the innocent princess to imperious queen and everything in between, she could appeal to those desires just as easily.

“Andrei has certainly soared past the number socially acceptable for even men to have,” she began though paused to take a sip of her drink before pressing on, “it does bother me just as it would the staggering majority of suitable women for him, but I’ve chosen to accept it and trust him that despite the history, he won’t stray from me.”

Lyra let that settle and have its moment and then continued, “I do not have even a fraction of the same experience, no. Two, not counting your son.” She paused and seemed to consider something, then chuckled slightly.

“Though technically he has been the only one with this body.” Virgin on a technicality, she mused with a smirk, knowing it didn’t count fully but finding it funny anyways.

Ivan smirked grew at that and shrugged. That wasn’t a particularly high number, and with Andrei, a girl could afford a bit of a body count and still get parental approval.

“Some might say that’s the best of both worlds.” he said, “A new body and skills at the same time. I can definitely imagine something worse than that. I wouldn’t worry too much what people think about the two of you outside your obvious commitments. What matters is that you’re happy.”

He took a drag from his drink again and then looked back into her dark eyes.

“What about kids? Obviously, you can’t really answer this for sure, but how many grandchildren should I imagine I have on the other side of the galaxy?”

Though she didn’t say it, Lyra noted how similar Andrei and Ivan felt about the novelty of a new body paired with the experience of past encounters. What man wouldn’t have that kind of interest, though.

As they moved on, she waved one of the slaves over to get a refill on her drink and offered for Ivan to do the same. When she left, she looked at Ivan again with a smile.

“Your son seems pretty set on having seven sons of his own.” She chuckled softly. “Truthfully, it hasn’t actually been a topic we have spoken of seriously.”

It wasn’t exactly odd given their relationship was only three months old, but it was certainly one that was moving quite fast and seemed quite strong.

“Seven sons, hmm?” Ivan said with a grin as he imagined the boys. Somehow, they were all Andrei at earlier stages in his life in the Captain’s mind. “The doctors can do wonders these days when it comes to putting things back in..order. So, don’t let that scare you.”

It was clear Ivan had enough to drink to relax and let loose, but he wasn’t drunk. He figured being open with Lyra had opened her up a bit, so he supposed it might be okay to risk possibly alienating her. Playing things distant hadn’t really gone well before.

Lyra laughed and shook her head. “You know, Andrei said the same thing when I expressed some doubts on that endeavor. I’m not worried about that, but I’d be worried about keeping them all alive with how boys can be.”

“Especially Petrov boys. They love to rough-house, round-house, and tear up your house.” Ivan said with a smile. “But, if there’s one thing that’s for certain, we love our mothers.”

“Well, if Yana is anything to go by, you’ve had good mamas to love.” Her smile was a bit more subdued, but still remained friendly. A lifted brow prompted the question if he had anything else to ask her.

He didn’t. Not really. He just wanted to make sure things would be alright the best he could.

“Just don’t let Andrei get into trouble, Lyra. Annalise won’t put up with it like I have, and neither of us want to see him bounced out of an airlock.”

“No, we don’t.” Lyra agreed and sighed, the smile finally fading. “I will do my very best, but you may have noticed your son is a bit headstrong.”

“He gets that from his mother.” Ivan said with a pressing of his lips. It was an expression devoid of any resentment or regret. “I never understood why he was so difficult as a child, but I knew it could make him strong. Understand me: the Fleet needs to remain unified to make it back. You can’t devolve into bloodshed and jockeying for control. You’ll set course for Terra and you won’t look back, and you’ll get there together.”

“I know, I understand.” Lyra said and nodded slowly. Ivan would see that despite the violence she had displayed herself capable of, she did agree with him on the matter.

“Good.” He said, his gaze softening again as he reached for his drink. “I fear I’m getting sentimental in my old age. I sometimes wonder if I’m too easy on him…I remember my youth and my fire. I rose quickly in Starfleet. Hell, I even get my first command after killing my Captain; a tale as old as Terra, huh? I just want my son to succeed. And I want you to succeed with him, if that’s really what you want.”

“I actually didn’t know that’s how you came by the command.” Lyra said, seemingly genuinely surprised by that knowledge. “I will do my very best to see us both succeed and claim our place in the world.”

She paused, her expression softening again as she looked into his eyes. “I promise I’ll take care of your son.”

He reached forward and placed his gloved hand on hers, squeezing and frowning. There wasn’t anything to say, and so he offered only silence in return for her promise. Silence, and a very sad smile.

Lyra moved her free hand to rest over top of Ivan’s and gave it a squeeze herself. It was a comforting gesture appropriate from a daughter to her father. Despite her distaste for his past transgressions, she did find herself having sympathy for him and this terrible choice he had to make. She wasn’t a mother nor wife - perhaps she never would be - but it wasn’t completely lost on her how devastating this situation likely was for a man who had feelings.

“Well, I should let you go. I need to say goodbye to a long list of people.” He said, leaving his hand there and feeling the tenderness. He found he genuinely liked her in that moment, and that did a lot for his sense of hope for Andrei’s future, as long as the younger man didn’t screw it all up with some combination of his impulsiveness or his skirt-chasing.

Lyra released him and sat back once he had withdrawn his own hand. She offered another smile, her dark eyes moving over his face slowly to take in the details.

“It was nice to finally speak with you… sir.” She faltered slightly. It felt wrong in some ways but right in others; she shrugged and her smile turned a bit sheepish.

He smiled as well, a twinge of comforting sympathy in his eyes.

“It was nice to finally speak with you as well, Lyra.” He said, before finishing his drink and standing. “Have a good life.”

A gracious, meaningful nod met his wish.

“Do svidaniya.” She bid, her voice gentle and full of sympathy for him.

With a simple, lingering glance, Ivan winked and then turned, and after visiting the bar and saying a quick word to Nat, he exited.

END